Land of Smoke & Fog

The mainland BC forest fires continue to rage, and the smoke has now drifted over Southern Vancouver Island. There’s no world outside the cove, and that suits my mood of the last day.

I don’t very often allow myself to wallow in self-pity, to indulge in “why meeeeee” wailing; that’s not to say I don’t have bad times, but typically I will give myself time to grieve. Grieve for losses, for a lost life, for a lost future. Not for very long mind you, just an hour or so, as one might use the pressure valve on a canning pot.

But yesterday was a very rare dark, dark day. I’ve had very few of these since the early days of diagnosis, thankfully. And I know if I can ride it out, it will pass. But it’s a pretty miserable, lonely place. Everything is too much trouble, everything is worthless, everything is heavy and grey.

Red moon casts a malignant eye o’er
sky of damp grey felt as fingers
of smoke and fog permeate
my bleak soul, paralyzed
with fear, grief. longing
escape. Ashes
to ashes
dust to
dust.

By morning, both external and internal smoke and fog had begun to clear.

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10 thoughts on “Land of Smoke & Fog

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  1. thank you, I loved that music, love bagpipes, and we have had lots of smoke but no fog here in the desert except sometimes in the winter – and then it freezes on the trees and is beautiful. Pogonip is the native American name. And is normal to have bad days of feeling sorry for ourselves once in a while. hugs, my friend.

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  2. I know intellectually that my pity party makes my Caregiver very uncomfortable. He does SO much for me. But he hits a dead end when it comes to curing the disease. But sometimes I just have to use the cathartic of turning on the waterworks to clean out the anger and sadness. I must accept it but …but… but what could have been will never be.
    I love you Liz Feltham. There is no shortage of that around you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. So much love going back to you MaryJane. It is a challenge for caregivers, that feeling of helplessness, that no matter what they do, it’s not a cure. But yes, catharsis is great and necessary, and really clears the dark clouds. All is sunny, and I’m feeling the love ❤

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  3. How well I remember those days, growing up on Vancouver Island. As a child used to dread them, cause it meant family members were called to fight the fires. Dreaded time of the year. Very depressing, I am sure and even more so for you at this time in your life. But, like today, it is lifting, and so hope you spirits are also my friend. In the end, the sun will shine again. Much love, and prayers. ❤ ❤ ❤

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    1. Irene, it must have been so frightening for you as a child. I am indeed, back under the sunshine (at least emotionally!) It never takes long, with friends like you, to lift the fog and spirits. Thank you, my friend ❤

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