Train of Thought: Iron(y) Horse

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I read the last chapter of a book first.
I don’t watch a movie unless I’ve “spoiled” it.
I prefer reruns on television, I already know the ending.

So why is this so hard?

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2 thoughts on “Train of Thought: Iron(y) Horse

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  1. I don’t read the last chapter first, but if I want to be sure the story ends as I want it to, then I will read the last few pages to find out. If I don’t like the ending, I will put the book down and ignore it. This is quite a feat for an anal personality! It will drive me bonkers, but I will snub that book ever after. Just ask my library and Kindle. They could tell you endless stories. With a few profanities too.

    In this instance you already know the ending but that is all you know. You don’t know when, you don’t know how, and more importantly you don’t know why. I think that of all those components, the why is the most difficult. I keep hearing and reading about the stages of grief. Shock, anger, making deals, acceptance. I am not sure if making deals is part of the process for everyone, but for me it is. If I just do this, or if I just do that, it will be easier, it will be better, it will go away. I can’t give any advice, because after five years I am still working through anger. Anger is such a tepid term for an all consuming rage. I am not just angry, I am furiously angry a lot of the time, and as a result, I have severe stomach issues. I would gladly have all the stomach issues in the world if it would change anything, but it won’t. I know how my husband will die, but I don’t know when, and I will never know why. So in a sense, I have accepted the inevitable, but I have not gotten around to accepting anything else.

    What I am doing is celebrating, or trying to celebrate, the life of a good and wonderful man. The man who told me on the first night of our honeymoon that if I really loved him, I would get up and go and buy him a pizza and a six pack. The man who told me that on a boring car trip, that it would go faster if I counted the cows. I said that there were too many and it was boring. So then he told me to count the legs and divide by four! In the first twenty years we were married, we moved fourteen times with his job. We lived in three haunted houses, which was not fun at all, and we stayed in a haunted hotel room once. Also not fun. I have cried a lot over the years, but I have laughed even more than I have cried, I will always love him, but letting go will be difficult.

    Maybe we aren’t meant to let go in a sense. There will never be a day when I don’t love him so fiercely that I feel like a twig about to snap in the icy silence of a winter forest. If loving and inspiring love is part and parcel of the human condition, then we have all succeeded, and you more than many of us.

    This long winded rambling is just to say that I know, and am honored to know and love an exceptional woman named Liz. You are, and will always be my friend, and an example of humor, grace, and courage.

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